Lenox Lizwi Mhlanga
A DOCTOR cures you with pills and then kills you with his bills. How true this adage was when I paid a long overdue trip to the local surgery.
The waiting room was empty, a howling wind blowing through it. Not surprising since the medical profession in Zimbabwe decided to raise their fees and put medical care out of reach for the rest of mankind.
We may as well rephrase the Ministry’s slogan to: Health care to all… who can afford it!
The receptionist was reading a huge book which I was later to discover was towards her first degree. She has more than enough time to complete her studies since no one will disturb her here.
The look on her face changed when she saw me sauntering in. It said something like, “What the F is this idiot doing here? Did you rob a bank or something?”
Well, I had an ailment that required “specialist” opinion, after the inyanga (traditional doctor) I trusted decided to dash off to Inyathi to try his luck in gold panning. Everyone and his grandmother are into ukukorokoza these days, even shifty politicians. Yes, things are that bad and of course, worse with me.
The only “meat” that is affordable these days is amacimbi (Mopane worms) and mbeva (field mice.) That too, according to environmentalists, is becoming very scarce.
My doctor’s diagnosis was that having too many air pies was bad for me. We are all worried about our health for the simple reason that we don’t want to die. Like I said last week.
But you and I know fully well that this is an exercise in futility; avoiding death that is. That regrettable consequence of man’s Original Sin won’t be reversed any time soon, God willing.
While our trepidation of dying is comprehensible, man’s dread of pain is palpable. It explains why some of our doomed species spend millions consulting doctors. Without much success either.
While medicine, according to a James Bryce, is the only profession that labours incessantly to destroy the reason for its own existence, it remains one of the most lucrative professions around. Outside of prostitution, of course.
In Zimbabwe, junior doctors on strike wait for their letters of dismissal with apparent glee. They know that being fired would catapult them greener pastures faster than one can spell Parirenyatwa.
This illustrates the utter futility of firing them in the first place. This, of course has nothing to do with the German proverb which says: “A young doctor means a new graveyard.”
What is really of interest to me is what goes on in the consulting room. Don’t get me wrong, I am not in any way suggesting that anything fishy goes on there.
I get worried when the impression doctors give is that they are totally clueless. My doctor’s line of questioning is a case in point:
Doctor: “Are you in pain?”
Patient: “Of course I am, otherwise I wouldn’t be here.”
Doctor: “Where does it hurt? Here?”
Patient: “Ouch!”
Doctor: “Does it hurt a lot?”
Patient: “Ouuuuch!”
Doctor: “Tell me, how many times do you go to the toilet?”
Patient: “Now what has that got to do with pain in my toe?”
After 30 minutes in that direction, he then scribbles a note in Advanced Hieroglyphics. Don’t we all wish doctors had a bit of clarity in their diagnoses?
They should be honest and give it to us square if one had six hours to live just like they do in the movies.
How nice it would be if a doctor’s explanations would be as direct and as open as what I came across the other day:
Question: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
Answer: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Question: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
Answer: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Grass and maize stalks. And what are these? Vegetables. So, a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100 percent of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Question: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Answer: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made from grain. Bottoms up!
Question: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Answer: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Question: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise programme?
Answer: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Good!
Question: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Answer: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
I am not alone in my doubts about medicine men. In his book The Second Sin, written in 1973, Thomas Szasz’s low opinion of medicine was very apparent when wrote, “Formerly, when religion was strong and science weak, men mistook medicine for magic; now, when science is strong and religion weak, men mistake magic for medicine.”
Anton Chekhov then turned the dagger when he said that doctors were just the same as lawyers; the only difference being that lawyers merely robbed you, whereas doctors robbed you and killed you!
Disclaimer: This column is not intended to discredit the great work done by physicians.
